Glenn Knickerbocker was born as Ebenezer
Kincaid in Candyass, Mississippi.
His father was an axe-murderer, and his mother a whore.
He grew up in a small household with 14 brothers and sisters. Most
of them from different fathers, and some quite possibly from
different mothers as well.
You see, little Glenn's mother was heavily addicted to home-made
alcohol. So local people left their children with this
white-mouse-seeing-alcoholic. Some because they sucked at being
parents, some because they had a sick sense of humor .
Glenn decided early on that he wanted to become a superstar. At
first he wanted to reach stardom by dancing in an amateur ballet
group. The fact that he sucked at it didn't stop him from dancing
for 5 consecutive years. He could have gone on forever, but one
day his companions from the ballet group packed camp and ran into
the forest in a desperate attempt to escape Glenn's growing
megalomania.
Their
later adventures were made first into a best-selling novel, and
then a movie: "Blair Witch Project 3: Footloosed in the
Forrest".
Sudden disappearance of all of the other group's members didn't
curb Glenn's enthusiasm about performing in a ballet group. He
renamed the group into "Postmodernistic Group Flavor No.
XIII" but found only limited interest in intellectual circles
of Candyass. This started a crisis of identity, which lead to
destruction of the persona of Ebenezer Kincaid and emergence of
his alternate identity, Glenn Knickerbocker.
Glenn wanted to
become Vice-President of USA but when they refused him the
position because of flat feet, he turned to acting as his second
choice. In 1962. he moved to Los Angeles where he studied acting
on Californian University of Metaphysics and Ufology (tm). Glenn's
big break came with the role of Draco in the movie "Il Ritorno Di
Draco".
Movie was a relative
success and soon other roles followed. Movies like "Seven
Brides for the Ninja Master", "Blossom Flowers of the
Japanese Cherry Garden!", "The Secret History of
Phileas Fogg", "The Secret History of Phileas Fogg II:
The Reckoning", "The Secret History of Phileas Fogg III:
Ciao Ragazzi!" and "The Secret History of Phileas
Fogg V: The British Empire Strikes Back!" pop up to one's
mind almost immediately. But then came a sudden crisis in Glenn's
life.
He
died.
Or so he thought. The tragedy struck him during the filming
of his only TV project to this date. A one-man TV series
"Shanghai'd in Shanghai".
For 6 years Glenn was in deep sorrow, screaming such wails as:
"I'M DEAD!" and "WHY DID IT HAVE TO END LIKE
THIS?"
He would have stayed in this condition forever, if it
weren't for the help of one Guru Fiji. He woke Glenn from this
trans by using a revolutionary guru-technique of beating the
living s*** out of its patients. For this he deserved Glenn's
eternal gratitude. Also, Guru Fiji got 25% of all of Glenn's profits
he made in the movie industry. Guru Fiji later said, in his memoirs
("Memoirs of Guru Fiji", 1998, TOR Books),
that he regretted this decision: "I am a guru, not an
economist, dammit."
Now with the
crisis behind him, Glenn was ready
to take the Hollywood machine by the balls and shake it like a
monkey-bitch.
But first, he had to learn how to act. So, he decided to
join the "William
Shatner School of Acting Thought". Amazingly enough, he
managed to fail all of his classes.
He even managed, through his incompetence, to rouse William
Shatner's Wrath. Witnesses
say that William
Shatner, in a moment of
furious anger, ripped his shirt, used his Two-Leg-Flying-Kick to
knock Knickerbocker of his feet, and then continued to pummel him
to the ground, screaming: "How can you be so stupid!"
From that day on July, 14th is remembered as the
"Wrath of William
Shatner Day", and is celebrated by running around
town with an angry mob, and pummeling crappy actors.
After recovering from his injuries, he sued William
Shatner in the Court of Law. So, finally Glenn had his day in
the Court.
He lost.
After that, he just claimed that William
Shatner is bald.
Due to the media coverage during the trial, Glenn received various
offers from major motion picture studios, and refused every one of
them. Instead he chose to star in the eight part of the
"Return of the Ninja Warriors From Hell" series, titled
"Sword of Baloq".
Today, experts contemplate if this was the
decision that killed Glenn's career (if you can call it 'career'),
or maybe was it the fact that he's so amazingly stupid, that one
moronic decision didn't make much of a difference.
Glenn
now lives in Los Angeles, and still tries to become a movie
star... or a dictator. Whichever comes first.
